I am typing with one hand, the other holds my DAUGHTER. I still can't believe I am blessed with a daughter. She is sleeping, though she does this freaky thing with one eye and likes to hold it open a crack so as to have us always guessing. She doesn't want to miss a thing this one!
When we were in the hospital I was scared they weren't going to let us leave with her, then they did and I was almost as scared, and a little perturbed, how do they know we'll be good parents? How do they know we're ready for this? Where is the questionnaire and the cameras installed in our house? This is a human being! But no alarm sounded when we walked out the doors, so we kept walking.
If I have learned anything from the Internet and books I have read about raising a child, it is that from the moment she was born I have been doing everything wrong. Everything. That's a lot to take in for this new Momma. She is almost three months old and I have completely ruined her!
When I was pregnant, and even before then, I knew exactly how to raise a child, I was more expert than the experts. But since I held her on that hospital bed with blurred activity all around, witnessing the fulfillment of a promise, a promise that belted her first cry and opened those brown eyes large and clear as she was named Eowyn, all my knowledge left. All my expectations and plans flew out the window into the lightly falling May snow that came and went as she lay on me all snuggled and warm.
Since then I have been doing things I said I never would. I was never going to let her sleep with me, but when I knew her, I wasn't going to put her down. I was never going to use formula, but when she started to loose weight at two months old and I was sobbing because I couldn't give her enough of my milk, I had to swallow my pride and give her a small amount. I was never going to let my house become a disaster zone, but when it's 3:00 and I haven't showered and she's crying and I'm crying because she won't sleep and she's hungry but I just fed her and I'm hungry because I didn't eat lunch and all I want to do is sweep the floor for goodness sakes! Then I realize that this is my baby girl who is a little bit more important than the kitchen floor, and I stare at her eyes so like her fathers with the household chores forgotten.
As a new mom, I have to stay off of google. I have to close the book. I have to take what other moms and professionals tell me, and toss some away, then stomp on it.
I will make so many mistakes, and already have. But I am not doing everything wrong. I can't, because every day I plead for help from the only One who can give it. And I ask that He will cover over my mistakes with His grace. He has already promised that He will help me, even if I don't think He is which is why I am so glad I memorized this verse years ago-
"For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear, I will help you."
Isaiah 41:13
I am so excited to be a part of the age old profession of making mistakes and doing everything wrong! I better get used to this, I'm in it for life. Help!
