These days pass so slowly and I get nothing done. I feel useless, bad wife, bad mother, bad friend. And as always the old friend stupidity creeps up. Every time I beat it down with my confident words but it creeps up without ceremony to beat me back down. "You really are stupid you know, no college, no degree, no brain. Useless. "
I know that none of that is true but it's easy to just bathe in those thoughts. Much easier than holding onto truth sometimes.
It can be so easy in this time of life to feel useless. If society were to have a window to my life they would decide that I really don't do much. It's all about success and results and I come belly up (literally with this inflated belly!). Jordan gets up first and brings her to me in bed. She drinks her milk while I drift off to sleep beside her. Then she throws her bottle at me or sticks it up my nose when she's finished and she tries to find her belly button, it takes quite a while since she can't really see it over her belly. Once she finds it we giggle and I sing the belly button song. The next 15 minutes or so are spent hitting mommy on the face then having to apologize to mommy by giving hugs. Once she's hit mommy a few times too many she has to get down and we wander to the kitchen to start on breakfast. Which she usually doesn't eat, the floor eats it instead. I wipe her off and the floor off then we read or I may empty out the dishwasher if it's a good morning. We dance to music. I pick toys up and teach her to pick toys up. She brings me my shoes when she's decided it's time for a walk. By that point it's 9:00 and the bed is looking really good.
Most days are the same. When it's bedtime we sing to her and put her down then usually watch something because neither of us can move. Before I sleep each night I quietly sneak into her room. I
place my hand on her back and I pray the same prayer-
"The Lord bless you and keep you Eowyn. The Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious unto you. The Lord lift up his face toward you and give you peace."
And each night I breathe deep and smile. I can feel my Grandma Callaways presence, can hear her voice through mine and picture her hand on my back, saying the same words.
Each night there is peace and I KNOW that all I did that day mattered more than success and results. Mattered more than using my talents elsewhere. Even though Eowyn will never remember these long days,
EVERY SINGLE THING I DO IS AN OFFERING
When I wake up I have to learn those lessons all over again. I'm a slow learner but it's a lesson worth
learning every night.
These are hard days, these are glorious days. These are giving up of myself days.
Instead of singing on stage I sing all day long with Eowyn.
Instead of dancing or acting onstage Eowyn and I break out in our crazy moves whenever we want.
Instead of making Instagram worthy meals I am making a baby and meals that are edible. I am also teaching my daughter how to use a fork which is no easy task.
Instead of romantic dates out of the house we hold each other close and laugh about all the things our craaaazy daughter did that day.
Instead of writing my New York Times bestseller I read her nursery rhyme book for the fourth time.
Instead of teaching others, I am teaching my daughter about the world.
These mundane days are my holy offering to my God. A crazy, hectic, unpredictable, get nothing done, fall to my knees kind of every day prayer. We all have an offering to give Him in every stage of life and this stage of life I'm in is only for a time. I have found my offering but I need to be reminded every day that this is all for Him, especially when Eowyn is trying to find my belly button during dinner out with new friends.
