My Year of No Fear

I am about to share a journal entry of mine. Before you start saying "NO DON'T!" while shielding your eyes, just give me a chance. I promise you won't find out anything about me you don't want to know. Most likely...
This journal entry was written while Jordan and I were in Ontario this past summer.

July 4th 2012

"Somewhere along the way I lost it. I don't know how or where, I guess it happened in between barbie dolls and puddle jumping to makeup and hair curlers.

But lose it I did, I don't jump in puddles anymore, I tip toe across.

I don't slide belly first in the huge ones to see how far I can go.

I don't plop down in a pile of mud to make pies or throw them at unsuspecting brothers.
I don't even cartwheel anymore because there may be dog poo hiding in the short grass.

I totally lost it.

But today I decided to do something bordering on crazy. It may seem silly and small to most people but considering who I have become I'm surprised that I didn't get an applause.

 

We went to the lake again today. It was beautiful. The sand was soft as feathers and the breeze was gloriously present. When we arrived I had decided to sit and read the afternoon away, which is what I usually do, so I placed my towel methodically down, making sure no sand encroached on the fabric and sat down. I opened my book and settled in tight.

 

Everyone else went in the lake and I heroically told them that I would stay behind to protect their belongings. Mom came up a bit later and said "You can go on in now" and I don't know why but I closed the book and looked out toward the splashy four and decided to cancel my plans with my towel and join them.

Out I tip toed, tying my hair-dried ponytail high upon my head so it wouldn't get wet (how annoying is wet hair hey?!). I eventually went up to my neck as I swam toward them on the sand bar.

 

My sister in law who is part mermaid, was diving into the waves like a...mermaid...and I was jealous of how free she was. She didn't care about hair or sand, but I still consciously held mine above water.

 

Then it happened. I did it. I don't know why I did it, but somewhere in between throwing the Frisbee and stealing jealous glances at the mermaid while I carefully jumped over every wave, I did something I haven't done in years- I dove under the water. My entire head was submerged in lake water from who knows where with who knows how many bugs and fish twirling around me.

I came up laughing.

 

I splashed into a wave and dove under another. I let Jordan throw me into the water. I knelt down and allowed the waves to crash over my head.

I felt 8 years old again. I felt free. "I need this" I thought. I need to do the little things that scare me, to get dirty and wet and vulnerable. And then it came to me, I will.

 

I will allow myself to do all that. My year of no fear.

 

That doesn't mean I'm going to swim in a shark tank or lie in a bed of snakes, I'm not thinking of searching for the things that scare me most and doing them, but to take every moment as they come.

 

I'm scared of germs. I'm scared of of getting dirty. I'm scared of being alone. Of pain, of talking about God to unbelievers, of being vulnerable, of failing. I'm scared of shots, of counselling, of showing my husband how burdened and shameful I am. I'm scared of showing people who I am.

 

God showed me something this afternoon in Lake Ontario. He showed me how much fun I have when I let it all go and LIVE. When I decide that hair will get wet and water will get in my ears but who cares?

He reminded me of who I once was.

I am so ready to start this new dare from God."

Since I wrote that my life has been rocked to the core. God has shown us another path of ministry to take. Everything about my safe little world is threatened. "Missionaries? Ha ha. Funny God, nice idea. Oh...you're serious? But you know me. You know how unqualified I am."
Since I wrote that I have been presented with so many opportunities to choose fear, or life. I wish I could say I've chosen life every time, but my old nature loves to sneak up on me.

I'm writing this in my comfy little home surrounded by beautiful possessions that I will need to pack up and leave for at least two years. And you know what? I'm thrilled. Even though we have no idea what is next, we are taking active steps in God's direction and trusting HIM with our future. Radical idea hey?

At this moment I am too busy splashing into waves and coming up laughing then to be nervous about a little thing like 'our future' because we gave that to God separately when we were both children, and together, on June 18 2011.