God Never Will

"For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and who says to you, 'Do not fear, I will help you.'" -Isaiah 41:13

Love comes with a price. As C.S. Lewis said so well-
 “There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”  From "The Four Loves"

Yesterday I packed the first two boxes. I have been packing in my mind since August, not because I'm desperate to leave, but simply because I love packing. Yesterday I finally allowed myself to begin! We don't have a place to live in Three Hills yet, we don't even have a confirmed job for next year, but I am so excited to trust God. I know that He will come through for us in ways we could never imagaine.
Part of me is thrilled for this move, yet part of me is full of dread. Moving means leaving my girls. I have come to love and adore my girls. Both in Junior High and High School. They light up my week on Tuesday, Friday and Sunday nights and usually in between.

I just finished reading a chapter of the book "Amy Carmichael". For those who don't know that name I would highly recommend looking her up. For any of my girls reading this, you might remember me talking about her last year during Bible Study. She was a missionary in India in the early 1900's. She saved hundreds of Indian girls and this story is about one of them.

Arulai was a girl of eleven when she came to Amy to be taught about the Bible. Arulai's

father was pressured by relatives to forbid his daughter to go to Amy but he was tolerant and indifferent to it. Which is astounding considering Arulai's cousin was kept in the attic and tortured for wanting to learn the Bible. Once when Arulai was ill, Any came and nursed her and her father became even more tolerant of this English woman.

One day at Amy's bungalo Amy heard Arulai praying "Don't let me go back to the dark! Please Lord! Oh let me live in the light!"

Amy prayed for that as well.

But one day the Father came to the bungalow looking dejected. he said that Arulia could no longer see Amy. When her father reached his arm out to take her, it fell lifelessly to his side. This phenomenon happened several times.

"What is this? He asked finally. "It is as if my arm is paralyzed."

"It is the one Lord God of Heaven." Amy told him,

"He has marked this child as HIS."

Only God knows the number of tears and cries and "Do I have to leave them Lord?"s that have pierced His ears. He knows. Months ago He answered by informing me that 'He didn't need me."  Umm...what? Well that came as a shock, God, not needing me. Imagine.

He also put a face in my mind of my dear friend and I knew that He was telling me not to worry, that she would continue to love my girls and carry on the ministry. (I'll never forget how large her eyes became when I informed her of that!)

When I read that story of Amy and Arulai tonight, that statment of Amy's became my own. "He has marked this child as His." I pray that this world will have no hold on my girls because they are HIS. I pray that evil men will not be able to touch them because they are HIS. I pray that wherever these precious girls go they will know that THEY ARE HIS and He has marked them as His own.

The only reason I am able to leave them is because He never will.

My heart breaks with the knowledge that my time with these girls has a completion. I chose to not 'keep my heart safe' and for that I am vulnerable. Praise God!

So girls, know that I have you always in my heart and prayers. We still have till August together, so don't worry, you'll grow tired of me by then. If I had one thing to tell you from all of this, it would be that people, animals and possessions will leave you, God never will.

My Year of No Fear

I am about to share a journal entry of mine. Before you start saying "NO DON'T!" while shielding your eyes, just give me a chance. I promise you won't find out anything about me you don't want to know. Most likely...
This journal entry was written while Jordan and I were in Ontario this past summer.

July 4th 2012

"Somewhere along the way I lost it. I don't know how or where, I guess it happened in between barbie dolls and puddle jumping to makeup and hair curlers.

But lose it I did, I don't jump in puddles anymore, I tip toe across.

I don't slide belly first in the huge ones to see how far I can go.

I don't plop down in a pile of mud to make pies or throw them at unsuspecting brothers.
I don't even cartwheel anymore because there may be dog poo hiding in the short grass.

I totally lost it.

But today I decided to do something bordering on crazy. It may seem silly and small to most people but considering who I have become I'm surprised that I didn't get an applause.

 

We went to the lake again today. It was beautiful. The sand was soft as feathers and the breeze was gloriously present. When we arrived I had decided to sit and read the afternoon away, which is what I usually do, so I placed my towel methodically down, making sure no sand encroached on the fabric and sat down. I opened my book and settled in tight.

 

Everyone else went in the lake and I heroically told them that I would stay behind to protect their belongings. Mom came up a bit later and said "You can go on in now" and I don't know why but I closed the book and looked out toward the splashy four and decided to cancel my plans with my towel and join them.

Out I tip toed, tying my hair-dried ponytail high upon my head so it wouldn't get wet (how annoying is wet hair hey?!). I eventually went up to my neck as I swam toward them on the sand bar.

 

My sister in law who is part mermaid, was diving into the waves like a...mermaid...and I was jealous of how free she was. She didn't care about hair or sand, but I still consciously held mine above water.

 

Then it happened. I did it. I don't know why I did it, but somewhere in between throwing the Frisbee and stealing jealous glances at the mermaid while I carefully jumped over every wave, I did something I haven't done in years- I dove under the water. My entire head was submerged in lake water from who knows where with who knows how many bugs and fish twirling around me.

I came up laughing.

 

I splashed into a wave and dove under another. I let Jordan throw me into the water. I knelt down and allowed the waves to crash over my head.

I felt 8 years old again. I felt free. "I need this" I thought. I need to do the little things that scare me, to get dirty and wet and vulnerable. And then it came to me, I will.

 

I will allow myself to do all that. My year of no fear.

 

That doesn't mean I'm going to swim in a shark tank or lie in a bed of snakes, I'm not thinking of searching for the things that scare me most and doing them, but to take every moment as they come.

 

I'm scared of germs. I'm scared of of getting dirty. I'm scared of being alone. Of pain, of talking about God to unbelievers, of being vulnerable, of failing. I'm scared of shots, of counselling, of showing my husband how burdened and shameful I am. I'm scared of showing people who I am.

 

God showed me something this afternoon in Lake Ontario. He showed me how much fun I have when I let it all go and LIVE. When I decide that hair will get wet and water will get in my ears but who cares?

He reminded me of who I once was.

I am so ready to start this new dare from God."

Since I wrote that my life has been rocked to the core. God has shown us another path of ministry to take. Everything about my safe little world is threatened. "Missionaries? Ha ha. Funny God, nice idea. Oh...you're serious? But you know me. You know how unqualified I am."
Since I wrote that I have been presented with so many opportunities to choose fear, or life. I wish I could say I've chosen life every time, but my old nature loves to sneak up on me.

I'm writing this in my comfy little home surrounded by beautiful possessions that I will need to pack up and leave for at least two years. And you know what? I'm thrilled. Even though we have no idea what is next, we are taking active steps in God's direction and trusting HIM with our future. Radical idea hey?

At this moment I am too busy splashing into waves and coming up laughing then to be nervous about a little thing like 'our future' because we gave that to God separately when we were both children, and together, on June 18 2011.