I'm not doing well.
I say this to myself many times during the day. I have a sweet baby boy, the son of my heart. We moved when he was six weeks old to a place surrounded by mountains. I love mountains. I love our new home. I love our new church family. I love the stage my daughter is in as an almost two year old. I love seeing my husband in a job he loves and has waited for.
I'm not doing well. I'm a pastors wife again which is terrifying and I can feel myself closing off who I am like the last time, so I'm writing about my brokenness because I'm not a perfect pastors wife. I am no different than the others in the pew. I confess, I am broken, I am not doing well, and that is OK.
I feel the darkness closing in and I now understand all "those moms". I am one with the wonderful, powerful women who's bodies have just done something incredible, and then turn on them. Emotions, circumstances, sleepless nights. Today I had to cancel two walks with new friends because of chaos. This afternoon I went from crying to tickling my daughter in seconds. Nothing makes sense. I"m sure some of you are wondering what on earth I am doing, admitting this, shouldn't we stay silent until the depression lifts and all is clear skies? Sorry, that's not me. I'm not doing well and I won't stay silent.
But that isn't why I'm writing this. I am confessing this because I have a Savior who holds me through the darkness and that is my only boast. An hour ago I was not able to see this, but I turned the lights off and the worship music on. My son fell asleep in my arms and I closed my eyes as the music humbled me and brought me into worship. Peace. What an amazing God. My Carpenter has been there in the darkness so He's got this. He isn't worried, He knows the ending.
And He isn't worried about what you are facing right now.
But that isn't why I'm writing this. I am confessing this because I have a Savior who holds me through the darkness and that is my only boast. An hour ago I was not able to see this, but I turned the lights off and the worship music on. My son fell asleep in my arms and I closed my eyes as the music humbled me and brought me into worship. Peace. What an amazing God. My Carpenter has been there in the darkness so He's got this. He isn't worried, He knows the ending.
And He isn't worried about what you are facing right now.
The LORD is our Shepherd. I don't always rest in the knowledge that through this experience I am learning more about my God but right now I am. He is the victory over all.
He is carrying me. And I am doing well.
Deuteronomy 31:8
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
