I'm watching him play ping pong with the guys, laughing and complimenting, counting in German and beating most of them.
I try not to brag about my Husband too much because I know all the girls will get jealous, but it cant be helped anymore. We work together and I get to watch him every day, all day. We get to stare at each other from across the room, it's so fun to catch his eye and share a smile. This man is the only man I've dated. The only man I've kissed. He started to open doors for me when we were friends and continues to this day. Sometimes it means I stand beside the car door waiting, but it's always worth the wait. There have been a few times when I've seen a man walk into a room and my initial thought is-"he's attractive" only to realize that "he" is all mine! Sometimes he gets me giggling so hard that I can't stop. Other times we banter back and forth and surprise each other with how clever we are! I can identify his walk and his deep, loud laugh can be heard anywhere in the house. He has on occasion cleaned the bathroom, and just today finished the laundry! I love being in love. I miss him when he's gone, even if it's just for a few hours.
We've only been married for two and a half years. We are rookies at this strange dance and have no idea what we're doing most of the time. Marriage is hard. Fabulously hard.
I wish someone would have told me that before we were married. Sure I got lots of -Marriage is hard, BUT it's the most exciting and wonderful thing you'll ever do!
And predictions- Your first year will be hard, BUT it keeps getting better after that!
Can we leave the buts out of it for a moment please? Marriage is hard. It's excruciating and vulnerable. I've never felt more pain. More shame and more stress. I've never stayed awake sobbing quietly so often before, argued so frequently, gone to sleep angry so much (that's right, we occasionally let the sun go down on our wrath, I told you we were rookies), been so deeply hurt before or so angry at one person this often.
I have friends who tell me they've never argued with their husband before, and hey, that's great, I'm
happy for them, that's not us. And that's not the norm. But I'm sorry to say that's really what I was expecting when we pledged our lives to each other, that we would be different, unique, set apart as a holy, beautiful union. When we had our first real fight and Jordan stormed out of the house while my hands were deep in dish water, I cried and told God that this isn't what I had signed up for.
Our next fight I was the one to slam the door and wandered down the train tracks, angry and confused. 'God, what is this?' I asked.
Since then I've come up with a few realizations.
This is learning that marriage was not meant to make me happy. It was meant to make both Jordan and I holy. Think about that for a minute. That goes against everything that the world tells us.
This is looking into the eyes of my husband and seeing who I really am. I can't hide from Jordan. He truly SEES me. He loves me in spite of me.
This is knowing without a shadow of a doubt that we will fight and cry and say things we shouldn't to each other and even leave for an hour, but every night, there he is beside me, in spite of it all. That is commitment.
This is having someone who will witness my life. There are billions of people in this world, which of them really care about how my day went and what my dreams are? Jordan does. And I care about his.
This is clinging to Jesus more than I ever have. I run to Him more often and need His direction when I'm falling apart. The more I realize how much Jordan and I let each other down, the more I realize that God never has, and never will.
We spent five silent days together in the spring. I was so mad I didn't want to touch him. It was the same fight that made me walk the tracks a year and a half before. I still made his meals. He still held the car door open for me. Ice palace. In the early morning of the last day I couldn't sleep so I tried to quietly slip out of bed. Jordan sat up, grabbed me and held me. "I just miss you" he whispered. The next morning I cautiously asked him if he remembered saying that and he looked up clueless. We
started to giggle and immediately the ice was broken.
We fight. We argue. He doesn't always bring roses home and I'm not always waiting at the door with a dress on and lipstick, puckering up. Actually...that's never happened...
Sex isn't like Hollywood portrays. Kissing isn't always a magical moment.
Marriage is filled with normal days, hard days and wonderful days. With all of those moments in between. If this was all that there was to live for in life, I would be completely depressed. It's truly not enough. That's why Jesus has to be number one, for both of you. I'm learning that Jesus is all that there is to life, and slowly everything else is starting to make sense. It all matters. Every argument, every giggle, every tear. It's all making us holy.
I am so excited to grow in this love that feels (and is) so new. I'm thrilled that Jordan is the man who witnesses my life, who sees all of me, and who points me to Jesus every single day, whether he knows it or not.
So let's leave the buts out if it and embrace all that marriage is. I love telling newly dating girls and engaged girls that- Marriage is hard! And it's ok. It's all ok, but it will get better (That was a little joke).
