What Now?

And now we pick up the pieces. It has been two weeks since the bleeding began and our Regen was gone. What do you do with broken plans and a broken heart? We have two tickets from Zürich-Calgary that we booked the day before she died. She was the reason we were flying home so what do you do when your reason is gone?
We don't know why we are going home one year too early. Why we have to leave the country we love and the house full of young men and noise to who knows what in Three Hills Alberta.
My parents arrived on the 7th and we have been giving them the grand tour of the spots we have loved. Quaint towns of France, Alps of Switzerland, hills of Germany. We saw a rainbow. And it has been raining everyday.
In a few weeks we will leave and God is in that too. He is all around us and He knows just what we are getting ourselves into in this new journey.
We are healing but the tears still come. I am reminded every time I see a blonde haired, brown eyed little girl. I am reminded every time I see a pregnant lady. Baby clothes, toys, everything you can think of. There are hundreds of women walking around you who know this pain. It has been unreal how many women I know who have told me of their miscarriage because of mine. There are women who don't speak of it, some who carry it in shame and secret. Through this grief we have come to realize that the worst thing people can do is not say anything at all about our baby. Those who talk to us as if it didn't happen, who try to distract or talk of their own problems because death is awkward and unknown. Especially the death of a baby no one knew or saw. But to do that is to minimize our pain. You are saying it doesn't really matter or isn't anything to discuss. So talk to us Parents in our pain. Look us in the eyes and say you are sorry, that is sucks and is awful. Hug us. Pray for us. Have the courage to speak. Maybe then women wouldn't feel the need to hush up the agony that is causing everyone so much discomfort.
It will be ok. I have full confidence of that. This new unknown will have Jesus at the centre. It's a little bit exciting, not knowing what's ahead but knowing it will be good because we serve a good God who desperately loves us! It will all be ok.

We have been so overwhelmed by friends and family who have loved us through this. Thank you to all of you who have spoken into our pain and lifted us up in prayer. Through it all there was so much peace and we know it was because of all of you.  Please continue to pray for us in the unknown and the pain that we still go through as parents with no child to hold, and no plans for the immediate future. And for those of you who know of others who have suffered a miscarriage, you know what to do.

Empty Arms

The day we found out about you

My Darling Regen,
I never wanted to write this. No mother should ever have to write this. But you are gone and I am empty. I knew you for seven weeks of my life and right away you became my life. I wrote you many letters already in your journal, wondering who you would be. A writer like me or a musician like your father? Your dad hoped you would have my skin and I hoped you would have his nose. Do you have my eyes? I told you no matter who you were we would delight in you every second of your life. I thought for sure that no mother had ever loved her baby more than me, and I didn't even know your name.
When the blood came all I could do was lift my hands in surrender. And then it left and we went to lead worship, your father and I, trusting that you were all snug because we were chosen to be parents. Everything was coming together in a crazy God way and we were going to start your life. Then more blood came and we drove to the hospital. We sat there for hours baby, the last hours of your life. I knew when you were gone, in the bathroom stall with the bright red. We saw you soon after for the third time and for the last. The doctor was very quiet, searching. "There is no heart beat." She said in her thick German accent and we clung to one another. Parents. Mom and Dad.
She wanted to have the operation right away but we needed to know for sure. Then we drove home again and you fell into the toilet. Your father lovingly scooped you out and we rushed back to the hospital where they poked me and undressed me and put me to sleep so they could scrape the rest of my child out of me.

As we were driving home the strangest thing happened. It was raining and very cloudy and in the sky was a rainbow. No sun Regen, but a rainbow. Right away I heard the words- Never again. We named you Regen because the German word for rainbow is Regenbogen. You are named after a promise from the only Father you know right now, the one who is holding you in His arms and laughing. We were so excited to teach you all about Him, but you are learning first hand exactly what He is like. After we named you we found out that in Celtic, Regen means Little Princess. We know you are a girl not because the doctor told us, it was too soon to find out, but because when His children ask, sometimes He gives the answer. You are my daughter and one day you will teach me all I have to know about life.
But right now Mommy sees only what is here on earth and she is in so much pain. You see clearly but I see hurt and grief. I am confused and my arms ache. Today I am doing the normal, I cut my nails and trimmed my hair, I laughed at something your dad said and watched my favourite show. Slowly the fog is lifting but I still don't know how to cope without you.
Do you know what you have taught me baby? Through you I went to the deepest, darkest pit, and I saw Jesus there. Fear has haunted my steps since I was a little girl, but on June 29th 2014, my fear was replaced by grief and sorrow. I would rather have anything then fear. I am covered by the peace of our Daddy, He who holds you and who holds me. I know now, like "Much Afraid" in "Hinds Feet on High Places," that right down in the depths of my own heart, I really only have but one passionate desire, not for the things which Jesus has promised me, but for Himself. All I want is to be able to follow Him forever. So I will continue to dance with our Father. Though I know it will bring more pain and grief, and I won't see clearly what He is doing, I will fall in step and gaze into the eyes that hold you captive right now. The One that is your only desire.


I saw a little boy riding a bicycle the other day and I asked Jesus if He was going to give you one. He told me that He is going to give you wings.

I love you daughter.
Your Mom