Today, October 15th, is "International Miscarriage and Stillborn Awareness Day." Did you know? I didn't, because I was never aware. Now it is a part of my story. I have been wanting to write this blog for a while now, but to be honest I'm a little terrified to. This might step on some people's toes, it might change the way you see things and make you aware. So here goes!
Our miscarriage was widely known, because we had to make our pregnancy widely known. It kinda crept in and changed our job, the country we lived and our entire universe. Because of that I think Jordan and I have become experts on how NOT to respond to a loved ones miscarriage. I have heard every response that there is. I have had people completely ignore the death, people offer advise because their sister in laws mothers friend went through one, people who come to me because they suffered one and want to talk through it even though it was twenty two years ago, and I have heard a few pretty ridiculous christianisms such as- "Jesus just wanted to hold your baby." I smiled and said thank you, but inside screamed "Really?! Yes, that is the God I serve. He kills children so He can hold them." I have also heard that God knew I needed an angel to watch over me. This is my baby we are talking about. She isn't floating above me, she's chasing lions and asking Jesus to throw her up one more time.
So why the little rant? I don't want this blog post to be me screaming at the world, but to be a tool you can use so that you don't say something hurtful to the next empty mother. There have been so many wonderful people who have said the right thing, and done the right thing and made the loss more bearable. But If there's one thing I've learnt through all this, it's that people who mean well say stupid things. People are awkward with death, and there is no death as awkward as miscarriage. What do you say? Do you say anything? Do you talk about babies ever with them? Do you keep them distracted? Do you hug them? I understand all of the uncertainty and awkwardness and I hope that I can take from my experience and help you be a blessing.
There are no memories of the child, no smells, no favourite items of clothing or favourite foods. It was a life that came for seconds and touched no one but the parents. So how do you as a friend or family member come into the situation and not make it more painful?
I have a short list.
1. Acknowledge. Say you're sorry and then if you haven't gone through it yourself- SHUT UP. Don't talk about the friends you know who have gone through it. Don't talk about what God can teach her through this. Don't give her medical advise. There have been people who literally do not take a breath, they keep on talking. There have been people who immediately unload all of their own past struggles on to me, and it's not that I don't want that, I have always welcomed it. I love to listen and help, but not when my baby just died. I was the one who needed to talk, I needed to unload but sometimes all I did was tell them how sorry I was and ask questions and counsel. The mother and father don't need your advise or burdens, they need your listening ear and your quiet love.
2. Ask Questions. I'm not joking. I think there are maybe one or two people of the literal hundreds that we have talked to who have asked me about my baby. My baby. Not tissue. A living being. I have memories of Regen Lavonne. Jordan has memories. We want to talk about our baby just as much as the next parent. So ask her if she wants to talk about her baby and if so, ask how she found out she was pregnant. Ask her how she told her husband. Ask her what songs she danced around to. Ask her what they did together as a family. I would have loved it if someone did that.
We took Regen to four countries within nine weeks. We celebrated her life by going to our favourite restaurant. Jordan cried when I told him I was pregnant and then he prayed for our baby. We spent the day skyping and calling family. My parents couldn't make out the drawings I had done to tell them and it took them about ten minutes to figure out what was swimming across the page. I called her 'Meine Kleine' which means my little one. I wrote so many entries into her journal, telling her how much I loved her.
Those are things I've never told anyone because no one has asked.
3. Be There. Death is a natural part of our sinful world. And miscarriage happens in one of every four pregnancies. It's common and every one is horrendous. Don't be afraid to pop by her house. Do go to the hospital or send the email or send a gift. So many people don't know what to do so they do nothing, and I think that is the worst of all. I so appreciate peoples kindness in acknowledging Regen, even if they say stupid things. At least she isn't forgotten. There is a song by Casting Crowns that says it better than I can-
"Just love her like Jesus. Carry her to Him. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. She doesn't need the answers to all of life's questions, just know that He loves her and stay by her side. Love her like Jesus."
If you are one of the people who have spoken to us and are worried that you did more harm than good, please don't. I understand and that is why I need to write this. I too was awkward with miscarriage before ours and I wish I knew these things sooner. This is taken from my own experience and by talking with dozens of mothers who lost a baby and have told me the same things. This won't be true with everyone but my hope is that the next time you hear those awful words and see the pain in her eyes, you will not shrink back but know what to say. Acknowledge, Ask Questions, and Be There. Please.
